God's Little Acre

God's Little Acre
Lord, make way for gold

the girlfriend experience

the girlfriend experience
chelsea's work

Trash Humpers

Trash Humpers
broken, faked, MADE

Thursday, April 17, 2014

My Public Diary: 2nd Entry- I am in the Sandwich

I am taking a day for myself.  It is my second day off of the year, and it is early April and I am tired because I work hard, and I work a lot.

I make a plan that is really just a general idea for what I might like to be doing today and what i think would create a relaxing time and a relaxing memory to reflect on.  I want to feel that I have made wise choices today, but again, I suffer from being being stuck inside that overly reflective and judgmental self debating headspace.  I am caught inside my decision making process, failing to enjoy the vacation because I am so busy laboring over each choice, to make sure it will be the one that gives me the most vacation like quality. I am in the sandwich.   Did i pick the right restaurant to treat myself to if i can only afford to take myself out to a good meal twice this month (i am not dating  so this is also my only nice meal(s))? Have I chosen a place with the best food but the worst atmosphere, thus canceling out the treat of the meal on a day off work by immersing myself in a rather unpleasant environment?

I start out my day with early errands which provide the vacation- like joy of accomplishment in personal household goals, such delight as would not normally be felt unless it were a proper weekend.
Before my place in the Rite Aid line is weekend -like pairs of hands.    I find 20s couples,  30s, and 40s couples too.   Hands in hands.  I find a couple of stray 50 something year old single men, and I pay them no mind, but I do make sure they don't stand too closely to me in line because there is more than enough room in here.  Do they know this is my day off? Do they know I can't go on day trips because I don't drive and i don't have much money to spare or friends to go with?  I start to feel sandwiched in.
I need this DAY , errands and all, to be relaxing for me.

I'm warmed by the sun.  I feel heat skimming the surface of my sleeve, a foreign sensation, familiar but also distant.
I take my parrot outside to get UV rays, and we enjoy a relaxing walk around the neighborhood.  It is quiet during the day. Thank goodness I dont live in midtown! Laszlo, my parrot, is glowing under the metal bars of his carrier, clinging to the top and making cooing sounds whenever we pass a flower, tree or a plant.

I return home and I put Laszlo down for a nap (per his request.)
I watch a dvd I've rented, PRIME CUT. It's better than I remembered.  Those first images of the women for sale, lying naked, drugged, inside the barn like common cattle, is always beautiful and also primal.
I think of the burger.

I go to the first big destination of my day off. I treat myself to lunch in a restaurant in my neighborhood that is always way too crowded in the evenings, when I am normally around. Spotted Pig is open 12-3 for lunch, and i walk in at 12:40. They tell me there is a 15 minute wait so I give them my cell phone and pop by the park along the water. After sitting on the lawn for 13 minutes, they call me and say my table for one is ready.

I just hope i get seated upstairs!
I try to eat a small portion of red meat once to twice a month, but I haven't had any in about two months. I'm craving a burger and I have been spending a lot of moments the past few days, while stressed at work, or unhappy being alive, imagining  myself:  rested, from  not getting up early in the morning, relaxed from not working, biting into a Spotted Pig burger with the mix of salt, smoky meat and blue cheese.

I do get seated upstairs. I realize I am in the sandwich.
I am at a small table by myself and I am in the middle and there are couples on every side and on either end.

I take out my book and I read. It is a 22 minute wait between ordering and receiving the food at my table.  I sip on a ginger ale , the natural kind; overpriced. I enjoy an opportunity to hide my face while the couples who bound me on all sides exude open faces, smiles, dewey skin, open eyes, calm gazes.
The book i brought is a really poor excuse for a novel.  It is RICHARD YATES by Tao Lin.  I wish i was reading an actual novel by Richard Yates instead. I appreciate the structure of what I'm reading, but there is nothing to keep me involved or delighted in a restaurant/relaxing wait sort of way.

Noone notices me.

My Public Diary: First Entry

i walked into the theater. i had pictured the scenario forty times over in my head.  I would be standing up when he came in, surrounded by acquaintances who expressed happiness at seeing I was attending the very same film.  I had also pictured a secondary scenario in an alternate entrance, where he walked in while i was seated, and he was looking for me; he was alone and noone wanted to say hi to him.  But i was (of course) surrounded by (cute) people, enjoying my witty sarcasm, blasé expressions, and my funny, topical quips.
I walked in and he was there , also not quite at the entrance. And it was near the time for the start of the film, and we both had to get our tickets from the box office.
It was a repertory film theater, it was Anthology Film Archives, so it was both arty and somewhat industrial when you first step inside.  Back in 1994, when i began going there, the theater was grimier than anything around now..mabye comparable to Spectacle except Anthology circa 94 showed actual films, was tremendously larger and had adults doing the programming.  Oh, and i think they had folding chairs in the big theater! Or something similarly more  favorable than the smelly aging fabric type but I honestly can't remember it too well.

At last we said hello, in line at the box office. He was finishing up his purchase, but i was a couple of people behind him. It was not the entrance i expected, or hoped for, or imagined. It was an entrance, and nothing more. And the status of our non existent relationship became all the more inescapable and iridescent; crystal clear.
I was a member of Anthology ( I always have been) and i had to dig out my card; luckily the person selling tickets remembered me. Then they sold me a ticket and i dropped it and couldn't find it and he was up on the staircase (this film was in the upstairs theater) and i saw him not saying anything. But if he could have spoken, his disposition and his posture told me it was a loud sigh, or maybe he did audibly sigh.  It definitely would have been a tsk, tsk tsk ! You're awful! I dont care to think that maybe you ran here from a long, break less frantically paced work day and that maybe you're overheated in this air circulation free overly heated lobby.  I dont care to wonder that maybe you love me so desperately that you are nervous to see me...that maybe I crushed your touchy spirits when i just looked at you when you came in, and I failed to kiss you on the cheek or hug you or even touch your arm, as I would a common acquaintance.  It didn't matter that we used to be in love, that he told me just months ago he wanted me back, that he was always still in love with me and wanted our relationship to last long term. It didn't matter that the ticket was just in my wallet, because I was keeping him from HIS goal. I was bothering him. I was delaying the walk up the stairs because it is upsetting to him (WHY!?) to see that i wasn't smoothly entering a theater.
At least I belonged here! I thought. I have a membership. Sure, anyone can buy one! But i bought my first one in 1994, and  I used to live a few blocks from here for a decade of my life and iVe come here so much, even when i lived in other places.
and i belong in the movies, i belong tripping up stairs and awkwardly greeting or barely smiling at people, all or mostly all of whom I truly like, while we see the same films that some other people picked out to show instead of a machine like a studio dropping into our laps.

I wore the outfit i wanted to wear, but I was not sure it was right for the weather.  It didn't matter. I should've spoken up or had made plans before so I had somewhere better to wear it before or after the film, so i could feel seen as well as feeling as I most often did, as the one just sitting down alone and watching.

It rained on the way out, and my outfit had to be covered.

Saturday, April 5, 2014


Stolen Kisses
Antoine writes her too many letters

Catherine is now married and had a child
Army happily discharges Antoine

Antoine is stuck

Lonsdale:  I Don't Have Any Friends
Atoine turns inward

Now they write letters in real time

Saturday, March 29, 2014

good things come...

It took almost 10 years, but Terrence Malick has finally made another film I love, and it is a film that far exceeds the reaches of  THE NEW WORLD.   In all truth, TO THE WONDER is my favorite. It is a story of romantic love as essential and necessary as the Gospel. Is it really so long to wait 8 or 9 years for a great film? It is, but that is because  I feel as though i've been waiting forever.   I have been waiting for both  this film and a sense of my own happiness and personal freedom. Waiting for the great Malick film to soar above the promises of his greatness.  And what is TO THE WONDER about? It's actually about waiting....(wait for it) ...for a sense of happiness and personal freedom.
Malick's movie is the best film I never saw last year.

I am in love.
I am not in love in actual life; I am a survivor of a betrayed and abandoned heart.  But in my filmgoing life, my virtual life that I live in lieu of an actualized life, I have just been shown the hope of the Promise's arrival.
I became aware of Malick, and the myth of his greatness, around the time that I became aware that movies and the love of them would be my life.  I was a pre teenager.  I made a list, several hundred items long, of all the movies I would learn about that were must -sees to help advance me on my road of film appreciation.  BADLANDS and DAYS OF HEAVEN were early entries on my list.  The first one I saw was BADLANDS.  I just knew that i would love it. I had marked up the Washington Post weekly free tv schedule (I would spend a couple of hours every sunday highlighting and creating VHS recording and home viewing schedules to maximize tv and film viewing ) and i still recall my excitement when i one day saw BADLANDS would be playing, on an evening when the upstairs TV was free, on a local Baltimore station.   I must have been in 8th or 9th grade. Of course the film was edited for television, but I still clearly remember it's impact.  Its cynicism, its style, and the way it used American landscape as a sort of visual storytelling shorthand; all iconic movie watching elements. I soon followed that up with a VHS rental. A few yrs later, upon moving to NYC, i saw it screen on 35. I still think it's a strong film, but I also recognize the gap between the expectation i had awaited and the final moment of watching.  This is something not at all foreign to a cinephile. As cinephiles we continually are waiting for certain films we have heard of.  In my preteens and teens it was Malick, Truffaut, Warhol, Godard, Franco, Resnais, Ferrara and Ashby.  In my twenties it was Rivette, Ruiz, and a zillion other films not defined by their filmmakers; my scope widened considerably.  It goes further than waiting for certain films. Every cinephile has their golden chalice; their OUT 1 print or  LAST MOVIE or HARDLY WORKING...I believe, that as cinephiles, we are often people looking to movies to fulfill a promise that we do not expect fulfilled within our own lives.
When I finally saw DAYS OF HEAVEN, it was a rental situation  in high school. I was  horribly disappointed. When i went to study film at NYU it was a personal favorite of my  film school boyfriend, so we went to see a print screen at Film Forum.  My viewing was more substantial this time around, but i still felt let down.  I went back to Film Forum to see it screen yet again in the early -mid aughts, still disappointed.  I've always liked BADLANDS more, but I guess I don't love either of them.  The eventual theatrical opening of THE THIN RED LINE was a major event. I was barely alive that year, but all of my  film school friends were obsessed with it.  I managed to see it opening day in my temporary new town of Washington, D.C.  I believe I saw it at the Uptown(DC's Ziegfeld), so that made everything better.  This Malick was more of a stunner to me.   It was more difficult to nail down and explain.  It was the first Malick I saw that was closer to the type of film I was usually drawn to.  It demanded repeated viewings and was experimenting with something new.

I loved THE NEW WORLD.   It was on the top of my favorite films of 2005 list.
The mythic great Malick film you wait for had finally arrived: poetic storytelling and technique finally married with the content of the story..about newness and narrative of the formation of  a physical place.I never connected with it emotionally, but with this film it seemed Malick had finally lived up to expectation.
I waited several more years to come across the next promised land...and then came TREE OF LIFE.  I can only say that this is the Malick film I find  the least connection and interest in.  I can liken the experience to that of watching a magazine editorial come to life.
So I dicked around a while before sitting down for TO THE WONDER.  My god. Terrence Malick, I'm almost 40, where have you been all my moviegoing life?  I felt that note being struck; the coexistence of innovative technique, visual beauty, and FINALLY FINALLY FINALLY- a spiritual center I could place myself in.  The film uses shortcuts, formerly less fully realized in earlier pictures like TREE, to economize the storytelling in  a chiefly visual manner. We are watching a love story but one that  happens in leaps and bounds,  all in the opening moments.  We understand, even without the subtitles translating the French.


Wes Anderson gets criticized for a very similar idea.  People call Anderson's presentational style of storytelling overly mannered or precious,  even Twee.  I think Anderson explores  alternative ways to do exactly what filmmakers like Walter Hill and Michael Mann do so well (THE DRIVER, THIEF...) It is all about searching for an appropriate way of economizing and streamlining the way we are told a story.  With his latest film, Malick does this as well, and to great effect.  I realize now that he has been trying to do this, with varying measures of success, in his last few films, but i do not think it has been fully realized or coherent until now.  The film opens with the
arrival of a lifetime of want and of not having.  Do i know anything about these characters backgrounds or if they'd ever had love before? NO.  I say this because what I am shown and what I experience in this opening is ..the end.   A woman has reached her penultimate happiness. She spins through life.  Everything is beautiful, everything and everyone is connected. She is in love. She is radiant and she beams outwards to others.

It is just about halfway through the film when she is, in some ways, replaced and cast aside.  She stops spinning through the frames. Her voiceover tells us she is lost, and she is walking around alone, not knowing where go but to go home and collapse.
She tries to kill herself. She returns to him.  Her voiceover remarks that it is only the Weak who never take a stand (by ending a relationship i presume.) Her world turns dark and her spirit is in crisis.

I am used to waiting for things that never come. At this point in my life I'm pretty much at peace with the idea that the heartbreak and rejection from my latest relationship can only lead to my suicide or to a loveless life of utter misery.
It took 35 years of being alone, often hopeless, but foolishly hopeful for me to find true love.  I was  to lose that love forever in just less than three years.

I first heard about Terrence Malick when I was approximately twelve years old.  I saw my first Malick film when I was about 13 or 14 years old.  I saw TO THE WONDER tonight and I am currently about 38 years old.  24 years is less than three decades. Not so unreasonable.  How many 24s do I have left? Do I remain resigned to life and the possibilities I do not believe will ever cross my path? Do I confuse hope with the impact of the truth I recognized in the depiction of falling in love in TO THE WONDER? How truthful Malick can be! How right he is when he shows how love is the spirit, it is the 'wonder' in life, the thing missing that we need..the answers we seek, the prayer, the meaning, the everything...
How could her lover not see how earth and soul shattering the withdrawal of his romantic love would be? Her love for him was devotional, religious, and eternal.
It sounds like crap to say it and I almost cringed when the priest showed up until i realized that this is the other side of falling in love onscreen. The love she experienced was Holy. Without that miracle she is equivalent spiritually to  the junkie, the criminal and the laborer who need Bardem's Priest.  It is the wait...IT IS THE WAIT that is the other storyline. The one that crisscrosses as the French bride falls in and out of her rapture. She is back in Paris. She is alone on the subway. She no longer dances to transport herself from place to place. She walks with her head down, and stares unhappily on the Metro.

It is the wait for the new great drug, for the new 12 step fellowship to save and rebuild your spirit, that one person in the world who finally came along who would become your best friend and one true love and then leave you forever.  The wait for that next great film to give you life as a cinephile.

Today I woke up, and it all became worse.

drudgery of work and being a single girl.  A SINGLE GIRL. Benoit Jacquot.


misery of the mind and the exacerbations of others...and NYC.  FROWNLAND. Ronald Bronstein.


agony of a life where work is torment...

and life outside of work is humiliation, rejection and loneliness.

Friday, February 14, 2014

happy valentines day from albert brooks

quaaludes + birds + twisted failing romance.

albert brooks


35mm all weekend...

*2nd ludes scene on screen in 2 months*

Lorna's Silence

Lorna's Silence
spirit interrupts

the girlfriend experience

the girlfriend experience
chelsea managing the business


cutting through the walls